Pitchfork Music Festival 2025 New Ticketing Tiers Announced
Enjoy a more personal experience at Pitchfork Music Festival (for more money).
Wrote this bit for a Crushes I guest hosted on Pitchfork Sunday. I like it, but recognize that its window of topicality will pass before I’ll get to perform it again. Classic alt-comedy dilemma. Though a little late at this point, I figured a more fleshed out, written version could be a good excuse to finally start a substack. hope u luv xoxo.
July is coming to an end and with it passes another successful Pitchfork Music Festival- the sweaty jewel in the crown of Chicago’s summer fests. If you’ve never been to Pitchfork, imagine a field day attended by everyone you’ve hooked up with since college. They are all completely non-verbal from a microdose bordering on macrodose territory, but when 100 gecs are playing a song about being horny for Clippy from Microsoft Word at 200bpm who needs words!
As I tuck away my festival jorts for the season, I stop to reflect on what made this year’s fest go so well. While it could’ve been the tastefully curated lineup or the wonderful weather or the free iced coffee from the Nespresso Iced Coffee Lounge, my mind keeps returning to this singular reason- exclusive ticket tiers.
This year saw the addition of a new ticketing tier- Pitchfork VIP. This option doubles down on the perks from the already existing Pitchfork PLUS pass offering festival goers (who are willing to pay) an even more luxe experience. There are some major differences between these tiers, though. For example, while PLUS gives you access to the PLUS lounge, a shady alcove tucked next to the blue stage, VIP ticket holders get the VIP lounge which is so secretive it does not appear on the festival map and is a legally declared no fly zone during the course of the weekend. In the PLUS lounge, we’ve teamed up with several of our favorite Chicago restaurants, to create a unique spin on festival food with food trucks and other fun pop-ups, but with a VIP ticket, each guest is appointed their own culinary concierge who will baby bird their Longman and Eagle x Pretty Cool Popsicle bone marrow push-pops straight into their gaping gullets. PLUS offers guests priority access to the medical tent. However with VIP, Pitchfork provides you with a year’s worth of Blue Cross Blue Shield health insurance (with shockingly low copays).
The differences are vast, but they point toward where we see ourselves headed as an organization post-Conde Nast buyout. And what does that look like? For one thing, less poor people. It’s not that we’re classist. It’s just that rich people are nicer to look at. They’ve got good skin and clean hair and would never be caught dead in a “graphic tee”. I mean did you see Kylie Jenner during Jai Paul’s set? As she peered down on the General Admission peasants from atop the VIP tower, I knew we were doing something right. She was true glamor. It was like looking into the face of god. (correction: I guess this wasn’t Kylie Jenner? It was just some influencer who looks like her who blew up on tik tok for making videos about which Chicago restaurants are easiest to dine and dash at? Whatever. Still hot.)
Anway, this year has been a successful test run of sorts. Undeniably, music brings people together. Though, it is also important to make sure we keep people apart. Preferably along the lines of income and general vibes. That’s why, I, in my official position of Pitchfork Princess, will be announcing the exciting new ticket tiers we are rolling out next year.
First is Pitchfork SILVER. This tier is geared toward our audience members who are a little more advanced in age. It’s not a senior discount per se, but more of a senior service in which, for an extra fee, we provide a staff member to accompany the guest to whom they can ask “Is this what they’re calling music nowadays?” during sets they don’t like. If the guest gets too worked up, the staff member may escort them to the Pitchfork SILVER Relaxation Tent (sponsored by AARP) where they can calm down in recliners equipped with VR Headsets playing Rolling Thunder Revue on loop.
The next ticketing tier is called Pitchfork PLATINUM. Included in this ultra exclusive tier, we will give you one platinum tipped bullet and a rifle with which you can take out any artist or fellow guest with complete immunity. It’s important for us to pay homage to the festivals of the past that paved the way for us, so in that way, this tier is our tribute to Altamont.
Pitchfork GOLDEN is the same as Platinum, but with piss. This is our tribute to Woodstock ‘99.
We’ve also got Pitchfork PITY. With Pitchfork PITY, part of your ticket fee will go toward “adopting” a struggling indie musician. For just pennies a day, you can help them to afford the effects pedal that is really going to change things on LP 2. In exchange for your contribution, you will receive a miniature plushy of the artist your donation is supporting.
Another tier is Pitchfork BROKEN DREAMS. If you like music, you probably had ambitions to be a musician. However, you never followed through after realizing that being a real estate agent instead would give you more money to buy things like food, water, and shelter. This tier lets you indulge in that former part of yourself. You can send us a demo of your’s, and we’ll lie about listening to it. This is the real musician experience.
Pitchfork prides itself on our work of championing female artists. In fact, over half of the acts on the 2024 lineup were female fronted. In this spirit, the Pitchfork GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE tier lets male festival goers interact directly with female artists by allowing them to send one (1) weird DM to any woman playing the festival. For example, you could tell Karly Hartzman of the alt-country-gaze band Wednesday that even though she doesn’t hold her guitar correctly when she plays, it’s okay because she’s cute. Even though we are making an effort to platform women, we’d hate for our lil guys to feel left behind. After all, if you could actually talk to women in a normal way, you’d probably have no use for music criticism.
The final and most special tier that we’re unveiling is called Pitchfork VVIP. This includes all of the perks of VIP, but we give you a tender kiss on the forehead every time you enter and exit the festival.
In these divisive and alienating times, we hope that our various ticketing tiers can help festival goers find belonging by being separated from the masses into hyper-specific focus group tested categories. We also hope to make lots and lots of money. See you next year :)